Dancers. Or 'cunts', as they're more commonly known.
Sunday, 29 April 2007
As per usual I worked the DJ booth tonight and this of course exposes me to that most horrendous side of nature's depravity - dancers.
There are two kinds of dancer in your common or garden nightclub.
A. Those that cannot dance.
B. Those that think because they can dance a little bit, it makes them cool.
Both, of course, are total cunts. Inevitably, people only hit the dance floor when they have had a few drinks. The interesting thing is that if a person A is totally intoxicated, he becomes a liability. Even dangerous. However, if person B is totally intoxicated, he morphs into person A, and therefore becomes a liability, and even dangerous. Mathematically, what this means is A = (i) = B, where i equates to the level of pissdom.
That said, there is nothing more annoying than person B, those who think dancing is cool, doing their various 'moves' on the floor. Really, when you're stone-cold sober, it's almost like watching an entirely different species. They just look so utterly fucking moronic, trying Justin Timberlake-type moves to a Justin Timberlake song. Now, I need to address something here, because by 'they' I actually mean men. Women on the dance floor aren't too bad. There's a stereotype that says that black people have great rhythm, but that's bull. What seems to be mostly accurate is that women have great rhythm.
Men, meantime, are cunts.
In one incident tonight a completely fucked male member of group A and his almost-as-fucked missus (who was like a hybrid of A/B) were going through all these awful moves, trying to be in sync with each other but failing dismally, with the man attempting increasingly ridiculous and OTT dance poses. I actually had to warn him a couple of times to calm it down (and her later when she started 'working the booty' whilst leaning on the stage), but quickly realised that his Tazmanian Devil-like routine was clearing the dancefloor and actually making my life a hell of a lot fucking easier. However, it didn't last long, for the simple reason that people like him are basically viruses - before you know it, there's another Tazmanian Devil on the floor. Then another. Then another. End result: chaos.
Worse still are those cunts that have clearly done the unthinkable and attended line dancing classes, and then just seem to turn up en masse, total strangers, but going into these awful fucking routines, in unison, to really, really shit songs. It's hideous. But you know they think they're really fucking cool. It never dawns on the 19-year old girls engaged in this filth that the bloke behind them, mirroring it all exactly, is 57 with a ponytail. And a fucking stetson.
And don't get me started on the drunk, late-teen blokes who think it's just precious to pick each other up and swing around wildly or - and really, this is some funny shit - dance together during the slow songs. Oh stop, guys, you're killing me here.
Now, this might all sound like sour grapes, simply because (a) I never dance and (b) I cannot dance. I imagine these two things go hand in hand, more often than not. However, just because I do not have the required skills to make an ass of myself on the dancefloor (actually, I do, and we're back to the base equality of all dancers; i.e., irrespective of skill, they're cunts), I know I'm in a good position to call this. I can't juggle or ride a unicycle either. It doesn't matter. The only people who can are cunts. And/or wankers. With the odd tosser thrown in. Nobody looks at a bloke on a unicycle - and he's usually sporting a gimp hat, let's face it - and goes, "Wow! I wanna be that guy." It's like seeing a 30+ year old on a BMX or a skateboard; 24-hours a day they must be asking themselves where it all went wrong.
Or maybe they don't. Maybe, like dancers, they think they're the shit. The world would either be infinitely better or infinitely worse if everything we did was recorded and we could review our drunken nights out with pride/shame the following day. But I'd love to release some of the CCTV footage (and yeah, it's all on tape) of some of these cunts on YouTube just so we could all point and laugh. And then maybe forward it on to their families/the mob.
Increasingly we appear to be in a bit of a Nanny state but I tell you this: if the government decides to launch a dancing license, I'll be one happy fucking dog.
posted by Sheamus @ 3:30 am
