The Mitchell Test
Wednesday 17 October 2007
With strangers, I can usually tell where I stand with them depending on where I fit on The Mitchell Test.
We have two new tenants at work - a right pair of hardcore drunks. One's 30 and one is only eighteen, but they hang out together a lot as the young'un is dating the elder's niece. Plus, of course, they both live in the project. I've yet to see them sober. Last night, they were absolutely wankered at 10pm and made, literally, four more trips to the local petrol station for a refill before 12.30am. At this point, they were borderline comatose.
However, before they rambled off to their rooms for the night (thankfully and finally), they put me through The Mitchell Test. This has happened to me many, many times. Without exaggeration, at least a dozen at my last place of work.
Drunk #1: "Can I tell you something without meaning to cause offense?"
Me: "Go on then."
Drunk #1: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ross Kemp?"
Me: "Yes, they have. Many times."
Drunk #2: "Who!?"
Drunk #1: "You know, Ross Kemp - Grant Mitchell in Eastenders."
Drunk #2: "No he doesn't. He looks more like Phil..."
Now, this is the hook. I have worked out that looking like Grant is meant to be a bit of a compliment, whilst looking like Phil is, of course, an insult. The reality is I don't look particularly like either of them - yes, I have a shaved head, but that's really about it. But many, many people, great or otherwise, seem to think we're blood relations. Particularly if they're wankered. And I've come to realise that I can get a fair grip on somebody's future behaviour depending on where they rank me on The Mitchell Test - if I'm a 'Grant', then we're going to have no problems. If I'm a 'Phil', then they're basically saying - "You are a bitch" - and the shit will, inevitably, and at some approaching point, hit the fan.
So don't call me Phil. Just don't.
posted by Sheamus @ 3:00 pm
